After The Happily Ever After: The Difficult Journey Of Relationship

By: Catherine Ambrose, MSS, LCSW

Our culture tells us that the end of a romantic story comes when, after a little adventure or adversity, a couple is at last joined together. From Cinderella to Sleepless in Seattle, the story fades as the partnership begins. Just as we get to the hard part, the instructions end. Isn't it supposed to be simple? We make a commitment, and live happily ever after. From now on, we negotiate every detail of life with this committed partner, from breakfast to career choices, perhaps as we raise children, we enter into a business partnership, and together we ask each other to meet our needs for love, sex, and friendship. And we'll work on this monumental task as we grow and change over our entire lives. Well, that's easy, right? Who needs a manual?

The truth is, committed partnership is a complex, difficult, wonderful journey; for most of us it isn't simple at all. Often natural, predictable struggles that are part of the developmental process of a relationship threaten to fracture a partnership. And while there isn't a manual, there are skills and guideposts that can lead toward healing and deeper communication.

Let's take a look at the "perfect" fairytale couple: Cinderella and Prince Charming. From their first meeting, Cinderella and Prince Charming have taken on the classic roles of pursuer and distancer. Prince Charming was fascinated with Cinderella because she ran away, and only the most determined pursuer could capture poor Cinderella's wounded orphan heart. But a few years later, we can predict that it will be precisely these qualities that attracted them to each other that will create hurt and conflict. Cinderella will find Prince Charming to be much too demanding of her time and attention. On the other hand, Prince Charming will be hurt by Cinderella's withdrawal - often feeling that she just doesn't want to be close to him. They will be sad, frustrated and angry.

The truth is, they are still perfect for each other. Each holds the key to what will make the other grow. In those brief hours before midnight, Prince Charming saw in Cinderella what he most desired and most needed for himself in order to become a whole person: he saw a woman who could tolerate emotional distance, something being a spoiled prince could never have taught him to do. Cinderella will always feel lonely and abandoned unless she is able to learn to tolerate more emotional closeness. But they need to develop the skills and the language to understand the other's emotional world with empathy and without criticism.

Most of us experience something like Prince Charming and Cinderella. It is part of the natural course of relationship, and part of a lifelong process of healing, change, and growth. We do come out of the rosy, romantic haze to the realization that our partners are real, and sometimes disappointing, and sometimes difficult to live with. Often we become trapped in a power struggle as we try to get our needs met.

It is at this point in particular that many couples benefit from couples' therapy. Couples' therapy can help a couple to increase emotional safety in the relationship by developing communication and empathy. Couples' therapy is an opportunity for growth as individuals and as a couple.

At the TEMENOS Center, we believe that relationships of all kinds are central to the process of healing and growth. Whether you are coping with relationship or family issues, an eating disorder, addiction, or other stress, we emphasize the importance of meaningful connection in healing and recovery.

RETURN TO ARTICLE INDEX >