Beyond "Fine" And "Nothing": How Women Can Help Boys And Men Create Real Relationships

By: Jane Fox, LCSW

Many men and boys have been wounded by our culture, and as a result, they often wound females and each other. As the saying goes, "Hurt people hurt people." And women can help, first by stepping out of our frustration and victimhood, and instead gaining an understanding of the nature of the problem. Then we can empower ourselves to make positive changes.

Boys vastly outnumber girls in committing murder, being arrested for drug and alcohol violations and other crimes, and in committing suicide. Must we stand by and just accept that this is the fate of many boys?

Even boys leading normal lives are aware of the cultural straight jacket they are in when it comes to expressing their feelings. "It's really hard being a guy," fifteen-year-old Calvin Branford recently explained "because you're not supposed to talk about how you feel. There's nobody you can depend on. With girls, everybody expects they'll go off and talk to somebody. When you're a guy you're really not allowed to do that. I guess it's pretty hard being a guy because there are so many things a normal person would probably do, but you're just not expected to!" (from Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack, Ph.D.) The suppression and loneliness stemming from boys' emotional and social isolation has a direct bearing on their lives as men. "When they can't hold the pain any longer they act on it. A confused young boy grows into an angry, emotionally isolated young teenager, and, predictably, into a lonely, middle-aged man," (from Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional life of Boys, by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. and Michael Thompson, Ph.D.)

The ability to be emotionally intimate and have sharing, supportive and honest relationships is the number one predictor of good health and emotional well being. As infants, boys are more sensitive and distressed by the absence of their caregivers than baby girls. If as infants they are more tuned in to those around them, why do they shut off these feelings as young boys?

The answer to this may be purely cultural. Studies show that boys are shamed for feelings of vulnerability and attachment to others, and at a very young age. When they are toddlers they are treated differently from girls, being called fewer terms of endearment and comforted less often. Even in early elementary school, their peers make fun of boys who cry after hurting themselves.

This pattern of ridicule continues into adulthood. Even in life-threatening situations, men risk derision from colleagues if they confess that they are scared. The same holds true for sadness and other tender feelings. The result is that many males have a hard time even knowing what they feel because they have had to bury that part of themselves to stay emotionally safe. If they cannot be vulnerable, they lose the ability to have close, egalitarian relationships. They erroneously assume that their self-worth comes exclusively from performance, which explains why male interaction is so often based on competition, bragging and one ups-manship. The resulting arrogance, insensitivity and dominance of many men makes it very difficult for them to be emotionally intimate, even with their spouses and children.

The hidden pain from emotional hurt and abandonment many men experience is expressed in three ways:

• Anger and rage, since anger is the only socially acceptable emotion permitted men;
• Isolation and withdrawal from interacting with wife, children and friends; and
• Addictions, including TV, computers, sex, reading, work, chemical addictions, and playing or watching sports. (Based on the thinking of Terrence Real, I Don't Want to Talk About It).

Many men and boys are in a real crisis, and most of them could use our help. Here are some of the things we can do:

1. Understand how they have been affected by the culture and respect them for their struggle, while not condoning destructive behavior.
2. Teach good relationship skills such as emotional openness and empathy. Don't tolerate cruel teasing, arrogance, bullying, violence and grandiosity. Our culture has a tradition of mistaking bravado for strength, but do not be fooled; someone is hurting inside all that posturing.
3. Don't ignore boys because they say they are fine and nothing has happened today. Go in after them. Follow Terrence Real's example when he insisted that his son tell him 3 things he learned today, 3 things that amazed him, and 3 feelings he had before he could go to his hockey game. (In my experience, if you do this, eventually you won't be able to shut them up!)
4. Set limits for boys; the adolescent brain cannot discipline itself. It won't have that capacity until late teens or early 20s.
5. Encourage boys' passion for hobbies, and make it easier for them to go after what they love.
6. Know that both women and men can help boys to blossom, so single moms can provide just what boys need. Also, the most successful fathers, in terms of raising the strongest, most well rounded boys, are the most "feminine" and nurturing. So rethink what you think of as "feminine" and "masculine".
7. Help them get treatment for any addictions, and help boys express their underlying pain.
8. Teach them healthy self-esteem, which is the capacity to remember that they are enough and they matter despite their imperfections and limitations, and that they are no better, nor any worse than anyone else. Help them separate their value as a person from their performance at school, with girls, in sports, in sex and at work.
9. Teach emotional literacy by giving them the names of the emotions and how to recognize the feelings of others based on facial expression and tone of voice, because males are not as good as girls at this. Also help them understand the connection between trigger events and feelings so they can accept why they feel the way they do.
10. Be assertive about getting hurting, hurtful or withdrawn men into counseling so they can heal their underlying pain and improve relationship skills. Most men go to therapy because their women make them. Eventually they will be grateful to you because they will get more of what they, and we all, deeply long for: satisfying, close, egalitarian relationships.
11. Finally, for their own protection, remember to teach them that they must discern with whom they can safely be open and vulnerable, and with whom they cannot.

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